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A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season, but
when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and starts
kicking up dust.
The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because she won't be able to race,
so he calls the vet.
The vet tells him to tie a bedsheet around the philly's rump to keep the
stallion away.
So that day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out
to the corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's
nowhere to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbor's
farm, and sees the neighbor's kid out by their barn.
"Hey young man, did you see a filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her
rump?" the farmer asks.
The kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with
a handkerchief sticking out of her ass!"
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That night, Ben gets into bed with his wife and can't get the effect on the bull out of his mind. As she lays sleeping, Ben dips his fingers into his wife's vagina and feeling that it's nice and wet, he rubs it all around his nose and get's a rip roaring hard on. He quickley shakes his wife awake and cries out, "Honey look!" She rolls over, turns on the light and says, "You mean You woke me up in the middle of the night just to show me that You have a nosebleed?"
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A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon,etc....After several
weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will instead, lay down & wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.
The farmer hangs up & gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back & goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes & looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up & drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.
"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn.
---------------------------
A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the
latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you
know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?" She looks
at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it. He frowns for a moment,
then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused
look on her face. About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims,
"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I
can't tell."
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One day an old rooster who was the king of the hen house is approached by a young strong
rooster who says, "You have been king of this hen house for a long time. It is time
for me to step in and take over so I am calling you out. If I can take you in a fight,
then I will become king of the roost." The old rooster replies, "I know I have
gotten old and you can probably knock my blockoff. I really don't want to fight you. I am
willing to step down from my position but I want to do it with dignity. Let's have a race.
We will race around the hen house three times. If you let me lead the first two laps, I
will feel like I have had my final moment of glory and will step down as king of the hen
house. You can pass me at the beginning of the third lap, win the race, and step in as the
new king of the roost." The young rooster agrees and the race begins. The old rooster
is getting pretty tired by the end of the second lap and the young rooster starts to close
in to make the pass and lead the final lap. Just then, there is a series of shot gun
blasts from the farm house. The young rooster is blown away and sent spinning across the
barn yard. Over on the farm house porch, the farmer puts down his shotgun, turns to his
wife and says, "Damn it Mildred, that is the third gay rooster we have had this
week!!"
---------------
A pretty blonde woman is driving down an Alabama country road in her new sports car when
something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a
farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers,
she says to him, "Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to
do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin'
with my sons Jed and Luke." She looks through the screen door and sees two men
standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties. "Okay",
she says. After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny
just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their
room and says, "Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the
world?" They say, "Huh?" She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to
get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers." She puts them on the boys, and the
three of them go at it all night long. Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the
front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, "Luke?" Luke says, "Yeah,
Jed?" Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty
years ago and showed us the ways of the world?" "Yeah," says Luke, "I
remember." "Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not". "Me, neither," says Jed,
"Let's take these things off."
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A salesman knocks on Farmer Dave's door, and when he gets no answer, he walks around to
the back of the house. There's Farmer Dave, with a cow's tail lifted up, planting a huge
wet kiss on the cow's asshole. The salesman says, "Man, are you queer or what? Farmer
Dave says, "No. I've got chapped lips, and it keeps me from lickin' em."
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Farmer Dave goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated..." The vet says,
"Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's
ass, and blow the pill up there." Farmer Dave comes back the next day, and he looks
very sick. The vet says, "What happened?" Farmer Dave says, "The horse blew
first."
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Farmer Dave is out in the country with his new bride. They watch as a bull comes over the
rise and bangs six cows in a row, one after the other. His wife says, "It's a shame a
man can't perform like that." He says, "We could, if we got to change cows every
time."
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Tarzan gets in a terrible fight with a ferocious lion, and loses an eye, an arm, and his
dick. The animals of the jungle nurse Tarzan back to health. They give him the eye of a
hawk, the arm of a gorilla, and for a pecker, they give him a baby elephant's trunk. After
about a week, Cheetah comes up to Tarzan and says, "Tarzan..." However Cheetah
would talk... Picture a little Italian girl... She says, "Tarzan, how you like-a your
new parts?" Tarzan says, "Eye good...Tarzan see far, clear...arm good...long,
strong...but Tarzan not crazy about new wienie... all day long, pick weeds, stuff up
Tarzan's ass."
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This guy bursts into the house and yells, "Pack your bags, Honey, I just won the
lottery !" She says, "Oh, wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or for the
mountains?" He replies, "I don't care....Just get the FUCK out !!!!"
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Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each
other with sign language. Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?" Mute #2
(SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?" Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find
some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun." Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good
idea." So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a
ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?" Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any
protection?" Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?" Back Seat Mute
(SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some." They proceed to drive
to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is
back outside and taps on the car window. Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute
(SIGN)"I've got a problem." Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Outside Mute
(SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want." Inside Mute
(SIGN)"I know what to do." Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?" Inside Mute
(SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the
counter. He'll know what you want." Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea." The man
goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window. Inside Mute
(SIGN)"Well?" Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work." Inside Mute
(SIGN)"What do you mean? Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I
went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on
the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
--------------
This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend. " I know this midget
with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over." Midget
arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. "A female
horth," the midget replies. So the owner shows him one. "Nith looking horth, can
I see her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows
the eyes. "Ok, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is getting pissed, but he
picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears. "OK, finally, I'd like to see
her twat." With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the
horse's twat, then pulls him out. Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I
should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"
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Chinese Newlyweds A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. On the wedding
night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed
next to her and tries to be reassuring: "My darring, I know dis you firt time and you
flighten...I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting you want. What you
want?" "I wanna numma 69", she replies. He responds, "You wanna beef
with bloccolli?"
--------------------
Roger is a hard worker, and he spends most of his nights bowling or playing volleyball.
One weekend, his wife decides that he needs to relax a little and take a break from
sports, so she takes him to a strip club. The doorman at the club spots them and says,
"How are you tonight?" His wife, surprised, asks her husband if he has been here
before. "No, no. He's just one of the guys I bowl with." They are seated, and
the waitress approaches, sees Roger and says "Nice to see you, Roger. A gin and tonic
as usual?". His wife's eyes widen. "You must come here a lot!" "No,
no" says Roger, "I just know her from volleyball". Then a stripper walks up
to the table. She throws her arms around Roger and says "Roger! A table dance as
usual?" His wife, fuming, collects her things and storms out of the bar. Roger
follows her and spots her getting into a cab, so he jumps into the passenger seat. His
wife looks at him, seething with fury and lets Roger have it with both barrels. At this,
the cabby leans over and says "Sure looks like you picked up a bitch tonight,
Roger!"
----------------------------
The big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And shot with a .22 rifle." The others could not believe it (he was right) and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him. So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion," and fingering the bullet hole, said, "and the rifle was a .308" and he was right again. Well, this was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove his skills, over and over again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. So he said to his wife, "Listen I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye?" And his wife replied angrily, "From me, of course!" "But what did I do?" he asked. She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand down inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a loud triumphant tone, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"
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"The Mailman's Last Day"
It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."
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