Little Johnny Jokes
Present
It was the end of the school year and the
students were giving their teacher gifts. The teacher knew the profession of the
kids' parents so she would guess what they got her.
The florists daughter gave her a box, she put it over her head and shook it.
"Are they flowers?" asked the teacher, the student replied, "How
did you know?"
Then the candy shop owner's son came with a box, she put it over her head and
said "Is it candy?" The student said "How'd you know??"
Then the liquor store owner's son, Johnny, came and the teacher saw the box
leaking. She put her tongue on it and sucked the juice and said "Is it
wine?" Johnny shook his head. Then she licked it again, "Vodka?"
Johnny replied "Nuh-uhn! It's a puppy!!!"
Johnny's Addition
Little Johnny was heard by his mother
reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus
four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a
bitch...'"
"Johnny !" shouted his mother. "Watch your
language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords."
"But, Mom," replied the boy, "that's what the
teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it."
Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to
complain. "Oh, heavens !" said the teacher. "That's not what I
taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four.'
"
Anatomy
Little Johnny's mother decided to give her
son an anatomy lesson one day,
so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, saying,
"Johnny, this is where you came from."
Johnny went to school the next day smiling, insisting that all his friends
refer to him as "Lucky Johnny."
"Why?" one asked.
Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close
to being a turd."
Candy
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench
munching on one candy
bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across
from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good
for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years
old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
Little Johnny answered, "No, but he did mind his own fucking
business!"
Father
Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim. Just then the toilet seat slams down, and Johnny lets out a scream. His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling. He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K k k kiss (sniff) it better." Little Johnny's mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me!"
Early Out
It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in her grades. There is really nothing to do and all the kids are restless. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here I'm smart and will answer the question." The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'? Before Johnny could open his mouth, Joy said, "Abraham Lincoln." The teacher said, "That's right Joy. You can go." Johnny was MAD. The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King". The teacher said, "That's right Mary. You can go." Johnny was even MADDER than before. The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny could open his mouth, Carol said, "John F Kennedy". The teacher said, "That's right Carol. You can go." Johnny was BOILING MAD. Then the teacher turned her back, and Johnny said, "I wish these women would keep their mouths shut!" The teacher asked, "WHO SAID THAT?" Johnny said, "BILL CLINTON, I'M OUTTA HERE!"
Side Pain
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created
everything, including human beings. Little Johnny a child in the kindergarten class,
seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and
said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain
in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."
Cold Cream
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To
make myself beautiful, "said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"
Psychology
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Caution
Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large,
his parents
warned him not to have anything to do with girls. They cautioned him he could
easily kill someone. Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his
unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.
He refuses expressing concern he might kill her. She laughs and scoffs at
the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and
nothing bad can happen.
He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful
sensations, she faints from pure joy.
Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and
crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!" All at once he stops
dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face
as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. The dumb bitch
committed suicide!"
Grasshoppers
Little Johnny came in from playing one day and asked his mother if there
was a such thing as boy grasshoppers. Johnny's mother replied, "Of course
dear, why do you ask?" Little Johnny with a puzzled look on his face then
asked "Is there a such thing as girl grasshoppers?" Knowing a 5 year-old
wouldn't understand anything about the birds and the bees, Johnny's mother
replied "no honey." "OK, just wondering" Johnny said as he smiled and
walked out the door, clapping his hands and yelling "FAGGOTS, FAGGOTS!"
The Whole Truth
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most
adults are hiding
at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail
them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is
greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly
hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and
greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him
$40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the
mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then
come give your daddy a great big hug!"
Syllables
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" "After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday." "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day" "Does anyone know another word." "I do! I do!" replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." "Saturday." says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!" Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful." "No Ma'am, your thinking of 'blowjob', and that's only two syllables."Taste Test
One morning at school, the teacher informed the class that they were going to play a tasting game. She said that they would stand in line and she would blindfold the first student and give them something to eat and they had to guess what it was.
She gave the first student a slice of apple and said "What do you taste?"
"An apple" the student said.
"Very good" says the teacher.
She gave the second student a slice of pear and said "What do you taste?"
"I'm not sure" said the student. So the teacher gave him another slice.
"Now do you know?" asked the teacher.
"I think it's a pear" the student said.
"Very good" says the teacher.
The third student came up, was blindfolded and given a Hershey's Kiss.
"What do you taste?" asked the teacher.
(Now this student saw that by "not knowing" you get more of the same), so she said "I'm not sure."
Sure enough, she got another piece.
"I'm still not sure" she said after eating the second piece.
The teacher gave her a third Hershey's Kiss and said "Here's a little clue. It's something your mommy gives your daddy before bed."
From the back of the line Little Johnny shouts "SPIT IT OUT! IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!!"
Little Johnny & the Garter
A young woman, (a new teacher) was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"
"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?"
"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."
Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.
"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.
"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over!"
Little Johnny Needs a Bike
A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom
and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home
from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of
her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"
No Honey or Butter for Little Johnny
Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper.
His father caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, "That's it! No honey for you for one month!"
Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!"
Later that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her, to which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, daddy, or do you want me to?"
Little Johnny Likes the Way You're Thinking
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"
"None.", replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "its the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you're thinking!"
How Old is Little Johnny's Mother?
Little Johnny asks his mother how old she is.
Her reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.
Again the mother's reply is, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."
The boy then asks, "Why did daddy leave you?"
To this, the mother says, "you shouldn't ask that" and then sends him to his room.
On the way to his room, the boy trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out. The boy looks it over and goes back to his mother saying, "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!!!"
Math
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She
called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny
quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
Stutter
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class, and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal
in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I
was
playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around
the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and
before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
Bucked off
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night,
in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he
peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little
Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and
seeing the opportunity not to "break his stride", agrees. Johnny hops on and
daddy continues going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping.
Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the
milkman usually get bucked off!"
8 or 10
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to
go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The
teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the
word urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little
Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "Urinate - but if you had some bigger
tits, you'd definitely be a ten!!!"
Beautiful
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked
for a show of
hands for who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it". "Very
good,Suzie,"
replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a
beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent,
Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny. "Last night, at
the
dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said,
'Beautiful. Just fucking beautiful.'"
Lone Ranger
A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education
with her
fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for
sexual innuendo. But somehow, Johnny remains attentive throughout
the entire lecture Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks
for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his
hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good,
William, "said
the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's
nice,"
replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear
and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and
I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of
mean-looking Indians, and they all attacked him at one time And he killed
every one of them with his two big guns." The teacher was relieved but
puzzled. "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll
teach people not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."
Sunday School
The Sunday School teacher was concerned that his youngest students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he is now an adult, and so forth. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?" Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on next and she shyly answered, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in my mom and dad's bathroom!!!" The whole class became very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he had come to know this. And Little Johnny said, "Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ! Are you still in there?'!"
Heaven
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to open discussion on which part of the body goes to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first, because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl, and a little boy raised his hand. The little boy says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand waving. Oh no, she thought, I'm going to regret this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny says, "Your feet!" The surprised teacher asked him why he thought your feet rise to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night, and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming! I'm coming!"
Dead Rooster
Little Johnny came home from school to see the family pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad, our rooster's dead and his legs are sticking up in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air like that?" His father, thinking quickly, said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee, Dad, that's neat", said little Johnny. A few days later,when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad! We almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" asked concerned Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs up in the air screaming, 'Jesus, I'm coming, I'm coming!', and if it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down for half an hour, we'd have lost her for sure!
No ears
Little Johnny's neighbors had a baby. Unfortunately, the
baby was born
without ears. When mother and new baby came home from the hospital
Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house,
Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no
ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
spanking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad
he understood completely. When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a
beautiful baby." The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little
Johnny." Johnny
said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute
little nose and really beautiful eyes." "Can he see?" asked
Little Johnny.
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said
he will
have 20/20 vision." "That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz
he'd be
screwed if he needed glasses"